one_voice_one_story's Datingish

Seven Steps to Moving - On

Tue, 13 Apr 2010 04:00:21 GMT

I have created these seven steps to help me officially move on with my life.

Seven Steps to Moving - On

I will admit I am powerless when it comes to him.
I will immediately stop and delete all forms of communication (via phone and internet).
I will immediately stop internet stalking him.
I will trash all items related to him.
I will no longer mention or think of him.
I will rediscover myself without him.
I will not allow him to come back into my life.

Once I have successfully completed these seven steps, I know that I can then really move on with my life. Happy Moving-On!

Like Old Times

Sun, 10 Jan 2010 06:30:09 GMT

Somewhere between my heart breaking and my heart healing, we were able to find our way back to each other. The pass few months together remind me of why I fell in love with him and why we fell apart but today, the first of many I hope, revealed to me what I missed most, enjoying his company. I found that laughter that for so long had disappeared when he disappeared and I'm glad I found it again with him there.

I know this won't last but I will take what time fate has given us and cherish it with every breath I have.

The truth hurts.

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 08:58:04 GMT

I hate when I find something out that is just going to break my heart even more. And today I did. I'm trying to hold back the tears but I can't ...

Heartbreak after heartbreak

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 06:57:22 GMT

I find myself thinking about Mark a lot these days; and I realize, I am truly sad and alone. I didn't not choose this life. I look back at who I was before I met Mark; a strong-willed woman with dreams and ambition and life and I look at myself now, a mid-twenties adult still living at home, unemployed with a great lack of motivation. And I miss Mark even more.

It's been almost two year since he broke my heart. I know, can you believe that I'm still counting. It's like when people say "Before Christ" and "After Death". Well, I live my life in terms of "Before Mark" and "After Mark." And "After Mark" has not been joyous or eventful or even remotely lively; in fact, life after Mark has been several dead end streets.

And today proved to be another one of those heartbreaking events. After months of lying to myself that this new guy could be someone, I realized that he wasn't. In fact, he purposely hurt me to see how I will react and I realized he was taking advantage of me. It's like the person I use to be no longer exists. The old me, the one "Before Mark" would have said to him four months ago, "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE AND DON'T YOU DARE COME CRAWLING BACK!" But instead, I emotionally tell him, I need him in my life when I know I don't.

And that's when it hit me. I'm a pathetic mess. Even more pathetic that when Mark broke up with me because at least then I still had the will to fight for what I believed in; but now, I just let men walk all over me; I let them treat me with disrespect; I let them screw me over and over again (figuratively) and I allow them back into my life with no questions ask.

All I've been doing is pleasing, and pleasing, and pleasing and I am left with even more wounds than before. I want to cry but I can't even do that now. The tears refuse to come out and I feel that if I just cried maybe I will find some strength in me to be happy again.

I wish I could go back to life before 2007 when life made sense and I made sense.

Oh, please don't!

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 08:06:17 GMT

So the other day, I asked Richard* if he ever liked me, out of curiosity. I realized that Richard is like all other guys I've ever met (that's probably why I'm through with them). Richard replies by asking me why all of the sudden I ask this question. And I tell him a lie because why would I tell him the truth. I give him two options, of course, option A - no or option B - yes. And behind these two options I give him my theories. Option A - no and that's why he left me hanging or option B - yes, but he eventually thought it out and realized that I was too good for him. Now, all he needed to do was answer the simply question but he had to make everything complicated by saying, "Yes, I liked you but I knew it wasn't going to work out ..." Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.

I seriously hate it when guys say "I knew it wasn't going to work out" like they're psychic or something. Let me tell you something mister ... I have psychic abilities too and you know what they're telling me, you're going to be sorry. I didn't really say that but in the back of my mind that's what I was thinking.

I've come to realize that men will always be like that ... they think they can predict the future, if a relationship is going to work or not but honestly, a woman always has the upper-hand because they know that that man will always look back and regret it. That's the truth. And yes, the truth hurts.

I told him that I didn't care for his reason; all his reason did was make me feel worst like I did something wrong again and that's when it hit me, every guy that I've been with (slept with, shared mutual feelings, pursued, whatnot) all end up being the same guy in the end -- a jerk who likes to make himself feel better by belittling me.

I mean take Mark (the so-called love of my life) -- a year of our relationship and all he did was degrade me and when I think back on it, I can't believe I let him treat me like I was worthless. And then there's my best guy friend who let his crazy girlfriend believe that I was trying to steal him ... oh, I got some nasty text messages and some evil glares whenever she was around and not once did he stick up for me or our friendship. And take Mark number two, what did he do, basically pursued me then left me hanging to go back to his ex-girlfriend and then told me that we could all be friends (three is really a crowd) and then he ends up spreading rumors and telling lies and convinces his (girl)friend that I was trying to steal him, oh please mister, you're a loser ... how many times do I have to tell you that before it's engrained in your pea-size brain, and then there's Richard (who's really name isn't Richard but I like to call him that because he reminds me of a Richard ... get it ;) ), who basically had something real and tangible with me and then changed his mind (and I wouldn't have mind if he had just said, I change my mind, let's just be friends) and then made everything complicated by telling me it was all my fault and then ignoring me and pretending like I wasn't a person.

Yeah, all jerks.

But it's okay because what I realized is that even though all these people have screwed me over, bruised me, and disappointed me, I'm still nice to them at the end of the day; I still treat them like a human being because I've learned that no matter how vicious people are to you, no matter how many times they screw you over, no matter how hurt you feel by them, they're still human and they, too, have feelings.

And in the end, they'll regret the things they've done to you ...

Boys are stupid ...

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 06:50:57 GMT

And they turn into men who are jerks.

I got into yet another argument with Richard*. Richard is this guy I had a "thing" with right before Valentine's Day. Everything had been going great between us; we were progressing. The game was so inviting that I couldn't help but feel like this time I was actually going to win. And then somewhere between holding my hands and making out with me, he changed his mind.

In his own words, I made him hold my hands, I made him make out with me, I made him be my guilty pleasure. I'm sure holding hands and making out and being friends involves two people (dumba*s).

He tells me that it's my fault none of my friends like him. And for the millionth time, I have to reassure him that I have never once spoken ill of him, but he doesn't believe me and continues to drag out the conversation until finally I'm so sick of arguing about it that I just let him win.

Then the other day, I tell him that I'm mad at him and he says, "When aren't you mad at me?" And that does it. So I tell him like it is ... Yeah, maybe I am mad at him but at least I'm trying to be his friend especially after he screwed me over. And he doesn't respect an ounce of it. I'm trying not to be bitter because the truth is I miss him. And he replies by saying, "Didn't we already talk about this?"

That's the things about boys. They think that "talking" is when they say everything they have to us and we (women) listen. Talking involves two people--NOT JUST ONE PERSON exchanging words!

I simply reply, "No," In a monotone, I don't care kind of way that let's him know that his chances for redemption is completely out the door now.

God Hates Me

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 07:26:07 GMT

I don't know how I ended up here; I look back and everything I have done in life, I have done it with my heart and my soul and I've done it with goodness.

And more often the usual, I really do think GOD HATES ME, just like my mother, and just like Mark -- the kind of hatred that can kill you.

So where do I go from here ... I've lost the love of my life, I've lost friends, I've lost family, and now I have to face the reality ... I lost my job.

Yeah, God hates me ...

I feel trapped

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 06:28:21 GMT

So today I got a phone call from a private number; now I usually don't pick up unknown and private numbers. The last time I picked an unknown number it turned out to be the ex's sister. And you think I would have learned from my mistake a few months ago. Well, what do you know, it turns out to be the ex's mother. She told me who she was and at first I was thinking that she was the mother of one of my teammates; she named two names and I couldn't quite hear her. She said the names three times before I realized she had said, "Mark's mom." Yes, I was in shock. She invites me to Mark's sister's wedding and you know, honestly, I'm tired of these invitations.

It's not that I don't like them; it's that I love them. I absolutely adored Mark's mom, so much more than you can truly imagine; she's the kind of mother-in-law I would love to have someday, someone who could have been my mother-in-law. She tells me that I must go regardless of anything and especially since she had called me and that if I didn't go, she would be heartbroken. And in the pit of my stomach, I feel like I'm obligated to go because she guilt me into going.

It's not that I don't want to share this joyous event with them; in fact, I'm happy that they want to share this with me, like I was a part of their family. But that's just the thing, I'm not a part of their family. Life after Mark was hard and painful and even tragic. And even now, sometimes when I think about what him and I could have right now, I get depressed because the life I could have had with him would have been beautiful. No one sees the pain I had to go through, the tears I cried, and the broken and beaten up me who had no will or reason to move on with life. I downright feel uncomfortable about going to her wedding. I know I should be the bigger person and push aside my selfishness and just put on a brave face and go but honestly I just wished they'd understand that he broke my heart into a million pieces, and all those pieces haven't been put back together just yet.

Because deep down, I still love him, I'm still in love with him.

I have trust issues

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 03:36:50 GMT

In the past six months, I've been on this rollercoaster ride of feelings and usually the ride as been at the bottom of that ride. There is this person living inside of me who feels nothing but hatred and I don't mean just a little of it; there's so much of it that it's consuming me completely. And all my hatred stems from those people I thought I could trust who in the end let me down, disappointed me, and then left me to burn. I've always been good at putting on the strong face and walking away from the situation but somehow it's still biting away my spirit. I'm becoming resentful and bitter. No apology will do; the damage is too much. So what happens next? That's always the question people like me are left to wonder. Do I plot sweet revenge or do I let it kill me inside? Either option, I will be left feeling like I can trust no one. And that's the world for you, you can't trust anyone, not even yourself.

The Truth Hurts

Tue, 26 May 2009 05:33:22 GMT

A scary thought occurred to me today: I will always be alone.